The Unsaid Words

When I have an intense conversation with a nurse this morning, I've found myself so irritated. She said that some people in the clinic didn't like my actions in the clinic. At first It's nothing to me, but when she said something about my work, It was irritated me more. I realized that my work is not always a perfect but, I need to know which is my work that not satisfied and the one who felt that way, so I can fix my methods. Unfortunately, she made a wrong turn when she didn't tell me who is the one that unsatisfied with my works and in what case. She didn't hit the break, yet she accelerate more by saying that I couldn't receive a critics, well she had crashed then, and the conversation was over. I walk to my motorcycle and went to another clinic.

Actually I feel ashamed right now because I'm so irritated that time. There was unspoken words that never be spoken that time : "It's not a criticism but more like a reproach to me". I just can't said that and just gone ...

The Entangled Memories

Have you ever fall in love ? -Yes- Most of us have fallen in love at least once. Have you ever recall a memories of your past romance stories ? Most of us would said yes, we have ... Today, I have a journey to a Purwodadi, a small town located in eastern central java. I have an errand from my office. When our car stopped to have a lunch this afternoon, We stopped in a small restaurant. Somehow, it felt so nostalgic, then I asked one of the maid there, she said that this restaurant used to be smaller than nowadays. Finally I recognized this restaurant as a memorable restaurant.

Well, almost 3 years has been passed since that day. It was rainy and the restaurant was so small and very crowded. I was a medical student in a forensic internship that days. It was a good days. When we finished some business in Purwodadi back then we have a lunch together that time, in that small restaurant, with that large group of medical student from 3 universities. Love can bloom anytime they said, everywhere, and every moment, event in the direst moment. I fell for her that time, but well, she's gone now, without a proper words.

Well, I guess this visit is a farewell for you, dear ... May you find what you've searched for all this time out there ...

Pain is Power !

When delusion taste better than real world ... -Yes-, We sometimes experienced this kind of feeling. Most of us usually searching a "reset" button to end this nightmare. But, this guys were different, they dwelled themselves into delusion more than they usually did. Hikonin Sentai Akibaranger told us about these kind guy. This unofficial sentai was released in April 9th and rated mature rather than kid because it can broke kids image about sentai.

All member of this group were otaku, a nerd if you want to know what otaku is. They have their own dream, unreached maybe, and they cover each other ass, but it's not clear what is the purpose of the gear founder Ms. Hakase ... :) Well, I think I'm going to see where this interesting story roll out.

Pain is Power !

World's Ugly Face

Have ever seen a whore ? Not many people have ever see one. But have you ever seen a mother ? Many of us have ever seen one. When I get a night shift a couple days ago, I have a very late patient. She is very beautiful in her brown mini skirt and she wears a heavy make up. For a moment, I was stunned, but I got my nerves back and the therapeutic contract was established. From her physical examination I learned that she already a mother, and she got an upper respiratory tract infection.

She told me that she had a little girl back home with her unemployed father. I've finished the contract by giving her prescribing and she gone. In the morning, about 6 A.M, She returned while carrying her unconscious little girl about 5 years old. I checked her fast and learned that she got a febrile convulsion 15 minutes ago, I checked her and I need to hospitalized her.

When I proposed her mother to do it, She said "Sorry doctor, I can only take her to you, not any one else, because I got no costumer last night you know." I feel sad for her and I give her some antibiotic, some anti-convulsion drug and fever-lowering drug for her child and told her to bring her to the hospital when she got worse.

Honestly, I don't know the continuation of  the little girl's story, but I guess she got some pneumonia back then. I hope she would be okay ...

The Rabbit

This morning, I saw a cute brown rabbit in front of my house. He twinkle his ears and rub it, very cute as if he told me to catch him. When I approach him, he run and stop, looking at me as if he said "Can we play again ?" I tried to catch him several time. but he always running away and always keep a distance and watch me as if he mocked me "Is that all you got ?!" I told myself not trying to catch him again, but I tried again and he finally go into an empty backyard, gone !

This event triggered old memory of my experience with girls all this time. When I chased a girl I was being fooled like with him. Most of them said nothing when they gone away. I learned a bitter lesson one by one and finally learned that love was not a sole reason to married someone. In javanese philosophy, there are Bibit, Bebet and Bobot. Bibit means seed, whose descendant our spouse was. Bebet means our spouse has a good nature and can be socialized well. Bobot means our spouse has an ability to make money and able to guarantee the welfare of his/ her family, in the other word for a wife, it means being able to manage the family funding.

  

Flattered

When I wake up this morning, I saw a cat passed by. I remembered an advice from an old friend of mine. "Try to praise the cat" he said, "Most of them will eventually stopped by and looked at you" he continue his words. I call the cat "Hello pretty !" and magically she turn his face around and I can give her a good rub on her back and head. She eventually sit and enjoy my rub !

This is a good lesson, we knew a fact that most creature love to be flattered. We are just the same with them, but we showed it in a different way and sometime we knew that we are being flattered. Most of our reaction is blushing, and for some people that dislike it, they still said that they were flattered.

So, have you flattered someone today ?

Nobility of a Job

When we saw some people do certain job, a dirty one, we often pout what they do for their life. When we look closer, we are not much different from them who do an inappropriate job, just make some money for life. I didn't agree with robbery, thievery, debauchery, or some kind like that, what I was trying to say that sometime in our job, we do it just the same way as they did.

As an example, as a general practitioner in Indonesia, we are demanded to provide an excellent medical service with a minimum price. We, doctors, are not shaman, we need to perform a good physical examination, few laboratory examinations and you must buy your own drugs in our prescriptions. Most important of all we need make money to fund our live, buy our needs. More problems occur when incompetent person give some medication to a sick people (including a common people who buy a prescription drug on their own).

All problems we have, shown us how chaotic is the healthcare regulation in our country. Most healthcare regulation are for doctors and pharmacists. The regulation itself rather than giving a protection, just more pressure to them. In the addition, the unclear of law processing regulation make some side extort money from its victims. So, what can we do as a doctor ? Read more, Do more practice and hone your skills. So we can survive in this chaotic world and make a honest money for our living.

Guan Yu

In the age of wars, China has evolve into a great country. In the end of Han dynasty, The Romance of Three Kingdom Era, China has fallen into a chaos. Just like an ancient China sayings "Even In The Deepest Prairie, The Movement of a Dragon Cause Ripples", Dragon here means a change of government. In their daily life.

Commoner have no idea what's happen with their leaders, landlord. They only know how to do their job, but several people that have a little knowledge about philosophy and have a courage can nominate themselves as a hero that will bring unification in China once more, named Cao Cao. Lucky for him, standing in a correct place make him became the last faction that standing in that era of chaos, but not for long.

In The other side we learned the ancient noble family that has lost its power. They seek a noble figure that supported by people, The chosen one. They finally found someone, Liu Bei, the unwanted son-in-law of the old mother queen of Shu. But in the end his faction is the first faction that fall apart. -Was heaven toying with his people ?- "No !" Their falling is natural, because they loose their resources, Phang Thong, Zhu Ge Liang, and the next was Guan Yu.

Which heroes tales were the most famous of all in that era ? Most people will answer Guan Yu. What make him so famous ? Most of them said, his capability in a battlefield, his skill, his courage. When we talk about all of stregth we must not forget Lu Bu, he can't be beaten by  Guan Yu and his comrades. Then, what makes his tale famous ? His moral code and his rigidity to maintain it even sometime it give himself a disadvantage. One of the most well known chapter revealing this trait when he was captured by Cao Cao, All of Cao cao gift was accepted but he still wear an old cloth that given by Liu Bei. 

In this era of chaos nowadays, we almost never see a figure like him. His moral code yet his rigidity to maintain it is a rare yet valuable trait nowadays. Most people searched fast money, fast result, and the end corrupted act. Well, I'll leave the next thing to all of you ...Will you admired him only or, make yourself walk into the same path as him, the path of heroes ... ?

    

The X Factor

In certain stage in our live, we often confront a reality that not just match with books. Is that books tell us lies ? No, it;s not, but certain condition can turn everything out differently. Some misfortune event became a blessing and even blessing became a disaster. We call the certain condition the X factor. Not all X factor show us the result of their addition right away. some need the other x factor that can trigger additional event and eventually give us some result. It will be handy if we can predict those X factors and related events. But we can't. Too bad  ...

The only thing we can do to make the desired event occur and another X factor reveal themselves is exploring all possibility and pray that all things we have done eventually lead us to a good one. :)

Someone Like You

In our journey, we experience losing someone, a heartbreak. That's unpleasant experience, but it makes us grow somehow. In the nest turn we found ourselves fall in love again for someone else or shut our circle off and choose not to fall again. Sometime we just make the same choice and seek someone like him or her and eventually the history was repeated agin. 

Everyone have their own reason and they have right to do whatever they want to do in their life. Being loved or love someone is a delicate feeling yet so fragile and sometime turned into the opposite of it even we don't know and without our consciousness, we make our spouse troubled.

Not all marriage are based on love, some marriage often based on money or family trait and sometime that kind love story became a tragedy, like in the movies. Seeing somebody that you hate or somebody that you have to love even you don't know him or her it's painful situation at the first time. Will love grow ? Only time will tell us

Exhausted ...

Well ... I've night shift again yesterday, and now I was burned out. hufftt ....
I can't write any more .. I guess I have to sleep for now ... but ... before I passed out I have a story ...
Once upon a time there is a samurai that will be executed tomorrow, that night he can't sleep. Then he remembered a good advice from his old master ... What happens tomorrow will stay tomorrow ... today ... let's get some rest ... zzzzz

The Benelovent Fool

When I read this article, I remembered an old comic book, the title is Jigoku Sensei Nube. In some Indonesian edition there were a very tearful episodes. It was episodes that told us about Nube past. Well for you who never read one, I spoil a little detail about Nube. He is a silly and poor teacher in a Domori Elementary School, despite his stupid looking, he is very powerful exorcist, thanks to his "demon hand". His "demon hand" is a very powerful demon that sealed in his left hand, and it has great and numerous spiritual powers. There is a special episode that told us about the origin of his "demon hand".

His father is the infamous exorcist in Domori City but always demand an enormous amount of money for his job. Nube never approve him as his father anymore because for Nube, The exorcist never took an advantage of people in needs of their powers. There is a flashback how all this thing happens, when Nube still child his mother sick and died because there is nobody willingly lend some money to cure his mother, even some people that have been helped by his father rudely reject his plead. This is a turning point that make Nube's father demand an enormous amount money for his job. In a contrary, Nube stay poor as a teacher and help anybody without demanding a payment.

I've found myself in this some kind situation for a while, but I've decided that I'll do my job as a physician as a professional do and make my living from it because I want to be happy in this life and to fulfill that, I need to have some money. Well, everyone has its own reason ...

In The Name of Love

Love is a holly, pure, sacred, make people grow. In certain stage of life, we learn about the other gender, about love and wish to obtain someone to share our laughs and grieves, everything in life. But sometime we tarnish it, and saying that it was in the name of love, the adultery in a courtship period. Whose fault is that ? Whose responsibility is that ? In ancient times, woman was the one who blame for an adultery, like those in bible, John 8:2-11, Jesus and the adulterous woman. In that chapter, we learned that Jesus returned the favor into our own conscience. He said that everyone who has the least of all sins may stoning the woman first. So, whose fault is the adultry in a courtship period ? -Both of them- Everyone has it own reason to defend themselves, a scapegoat.

When we look into this chapter further, we found that we sometimes in life was being put in the same situation as Jesus did. We must make a decision that against our consciensce. In one side we must do something professionally, but in the other side our conscience scream for justification of our acts, our decisions and in certain spare time, we looked back and say "What have I done ?" "Did I do that ?" "Did I take that decision ?"How can we handled such situation then ? We must challenge our conscience and look further in each side, Is there anything we can do to solve this problem ? Will we fullfil our role if we take that decision ? Is there anyone who will loss something because our acts ? After we look ourselves with these question, make a decision and said to ourselves that we have take the best choice we have.

If I must stoned the adulterous woman I wish that I was the last who stoned her ... J

The Crucified King

In this Easter season I try to read something that I have think about all these years, relativity. I used to think that all things were relative. There is no absolute things and all value are range. After years passed by and I become wiser. I now think that there is something absolute in this mortal world, an ideal. An ideal will be an ideal if not being brought in a real life as a way of life, as a guidance, but sometime in real life, the ideal absolutism was corrupted by the one who embraced them because sometime the ideal itself would crush their follower.

Like the journey of the sun, there will be a sunrise and sunset for everything, that is a Law of Great Truth in Buddhism. All religion will vanquish from this world someday, and there will be immoral men and women on top of it, spreading blasphemy and wrong ideas about this world and eventually there will be someone that we call prophet again someday and found a new religion. There is endless cycle of it and human usually tried to preserved everything whatever it takes. They sometimes corrupt the ideal itself so it can be preserved in a text or religion's ritual or anything and eventually it lost its value someday, forgotten.

I learned in a Christian school for almost 20 years, so their teachings were carved deep in my heart as deep as my buddhist identity and somehow make me understand a value of an ideal. Jesus has an ideal that God save everybody that need, He didn't want to be a salvation for a tribe or two, but the world itself, furthermore he didn't come to liberate a tribe that didn't attempt to liberate themselves. In His era, Jesus dealt this kind problems. He did his work and eventually He was crucified and died by the one he wanted to save, the minority of society that searched a salvation and a king to liberate them that days because they knew that they will not liberated if they are not attempted to, they expected some miracles like in the old testament and they were disappointed by Jesus, so they rejected him and make him as a scapegoat of political issues that time.

Are you ready to shoulder the same cross as His cross and denied yourself ?

To settled the most urgent issues in your life and carry on your ideal what whatever it takes ?

BTW, Happy Easter Guys !!

 

The Impeccable Twins

Once upon a time in an ancient China, there was a story about a woman. She has a goddess like beauty and very skillful in a martial art. She had a martial art temple called palace of one thousand flowers. She lived in that place just like a princess with all of her female student. One day, there is dying scholar dumped by a thieves near the palace, somehow he survived and became the palace's special guest because he's the only male in that palace.

Time passed by and the master of the palace, princess Kiau Goat have fallen in love with the scholar and proposed him. He refused her proposal and planned to leave with one of her maid that took care of him while he wounded. The princess was very angry and kill both of them and learned that they have twin male babies. One of the babies was adopted and raised by her as a young martial artist. What Happened to the other ? His twin brother was escaped from a misery and had been taken care by top ten criminals in the dark valley, the hideout of all criminal in ancient China.

Well, If I was that scholar I will try to love the princess, however that's how the story goes I guess ... :)

Will Love Grow ?

I remembered an old story about my friend. She is a very special for me. At the first time we met at RSUPDK. We take a same young doctor education program, Forensic. When the first time we met I was mesmerized. She is a cute little girl with a beautiful smile. In a short word, we introduced ourselves and we exchange a facebook ID, and then everything running so fast, I've found myself have been fallen to her. Hours has been passed, days, every night I  got myself on a facebook or YM only to chat with her.

We talk about almost everything, but I knew she hid something from me. When the time passed by eventually I learned that her relationship was in a brink of destruction because her family didn't want her guy. I just guessed that I was the one who worsened her relationship because her family want me to substitute him. But eventually heaven was not blessing our relationship too. She was matchmaking with some other guy. When I want to confirm this matter, she only said that she want to think about it and eventually she take some government program and well, she is in ambon right now. We've never talked again, I missed her for some time but I guess that was the end, for us.

For the time being I was introduced by the owner of a clinic where I usually work to. She's a dentist and for the second in my life I was mesmerized again. I don't know what make me like that, but one thing that I know that I was in a situation like my old friend but I'm in the shoe of the last lucky guy. Sometime I asked this question to myself; "Will love grow in our heart ?" Only time will tell us for sure.

Busy Busy Busy

Well, I'm off from my writing yesterday because I have a marathon job shift. hiuft ... That’s crazy job shift and unbelievebly I accepted that kind of job shift. Hm .... Are we (doctors) are just the same with a garment labour ? I don’t know about that either, but one thing I know, when I get home I just throw myself on my bed. Ooohh .... I miss my bed .... Really.

One thing I realized next was I need to be in the top of the foodchain, I need to open a private practice, so I can work for myself and all my time is for myself ! Well, that’s all ... By the way, HAPPY EASTER !

The Legacy

Have we ever see our doctors daily life ? In their offices, they are very powerful and we have to obey every order that they give to us, even they can make us put off our pants and inject us ! They are humans too in their daily life, they born, they grow, become fragile and they eventually died. Did their knowledge, their spirit died with them ? -No- Where do they save all of that spirit, knowledge and skill ? In medical school ? -Half true- They keep all that treasure in their legacy, their pupil.

Like in Ip Man 2 movie, we eventually need a successor for everything we have. Our money, skill, knowledge, attitude and the most important of all their way of life. In Ip Man 2 there is a special scene that suitable to this idea. When Ip Man talk with his pupil about why did he didn't want to show his skill and trample all martial arts schools is that when he grow old, let say 10 years later, in that time, there is a lot of new skilled martial arts master that  has ripen their skill, in that time he will be beaten very easily, because his strength and speed was not as great as them, even he has more skill and knowledge about martial arts.

In order to solve that problem everyone have their own legitimate successor. We will eventually married and have kids, they will eventually become our successor, our clan name, our house, our knowledge, our way of life, everything that we possessed now. Doctors have some masters that will inherited their skill and knowledge to their pupil. But, not all of his pupil inherited their spirit and their way of life, the most important treasure, the core of their personality and life.

Are you ready to inherit something ?

 

The Code of Virtue

In our daily life, we often get ourselves in a situation that when we do something we will feel bad for it but eventually we did it. We feel guilty and ashamed for everything we do that time but alas, nothing we can do for now. It recall some very good advice from "The Last Samurai" movies. It tell us about some kind situation that similar to his one. The story roll out in around of Nathan Algren, an American military tactician that help Meiji government rule out some resistance from some old Shogun families. He feel ashamed of his deed in his last war because he betrayed his enemies and for that reason he often having a nightmares about it.

In the first time, he feel the meaning of becoming a true warrior, a Samurai. He learns the virtue of becoming one and he found the answer and the cure for is nightmares, a reason to fight and atonement for his betrayal. Is he become a hypocrite ? In a real life there is always a two side in a one piece, like a coin. When we become a hero in one side, we will not always become a hero too for the other side. Then how do we know that we are on the right track ?

Well, this is quite troublesome question, because there will be a lot of answers for this question. The answer is we need a code to embrace in our life, a code of virtue that we will always considered when we do something. The next question is "what kind code we should have?" The answer is quite simple too, any code will do fine as long as we concern with the risks of our choices, like Nathan Algren in the movies, he found all answers he always asked to himself as a warrior, a reason to fight and finally he found a suitable code of virtue for himself, as a Samurai.

The Zealotry and The Good

When you read the Holy Bible, there is a chapter about Jesus crucifixion and Simon the Zealots or some kind like that. He refused to help Him to shoulder His cross, furthermore he said that he is innocent. We often doing this kind of act, sometime we often give this kind of reason to have a responsibility of our action. Is his action is bad ? -NO- but unpleasant -YES-. Some of us refused to help Him with this kind of reason, "I'm innocent", "I don't know", for our own safety even in the name of justice or any other higher cause for our own safety, or our own loved one's safety.

When the good act met the a duty there are 4 possibility that will happens, first It will be a greater good because they wanted our help and we fulfill our roles, second it will be zealotry acts, third it will be a waste because we regret it, fourth we will feel sorry for our acts because they refused our goodwill or our good acts. Then how do we know that our act is good or zealotry one ? well, there is a few tips we can do to examine our deeds :

1. Do we step on thee others rights ? -We need to fulfill our role and duty first then we help another-
2. How do we feel after we do it ? -Fishy ? or something is not right ? then you need to see #1 point-
3. Do they want our good act or good will ? -If not, then we need to refer to #1 point too-

Well, that's for today !

The Dream

Most of us have dreamed a very peacefull place, full with anything with all things we like at least once. Actually that kind dream is a normal dream because sometimes in life, we can not fullfill all of our desire, so in our very private space, our mind, we do something about it. But, what will happen when we woke up ? Well, we all know, all of that dream will eventually vanish, all things that left is somehow a complex feeling that we still have something to do.

Then, should we stop dreaming ?  No. We should never stop dreaming, because dream brings hope to the real life, offered a conclusion of our daily problem sometimes. But dreams will always become a dreams and they may not be brought into real life because if it being brought into real life, it will be a chaos. In a real life someone's right are limited by others so, let your dream in its cage and let you and  your solution for the real life.

What is your dream ?